Always And Never

This is a vulnerable post. FYI.

As I have said before, I am working on my mind. Part of what will get me to the stage is working on my own confidence and peace, not just working on my lats and quads. If I cannot heal the hurt and fear in my heart, I cannot set my clear heels forward to walk out with a smile.

Although this process is healing, it hurts. Plain and simple. Because when we work on the mind, it is not a simple 3 sets, 10 reps. It is complex and contemplative.

I remind myself.

You do not know when you're done, and the process isn't cut and dry. And most of the time, I just want to run away.

And in this process, I have given myself permission to dream. (this really makes me tear up..) As life has gone on, I honestly never felt I was worth enough to let myself have dreams. Never felt like I'd ever be good enough to try to achieve them. I have walked in isolation, shame, and grief. And mostly isolation. I'm shy and can be quite the loner which is not what I prefer, however. The shame and grief and fear were all bi-products of continual isolation.

Most fears are unrealistic. What are my fears?

• I will never make friends. I'm likeable, and although I do try to make friends... I rarely receive any reciprocity (See! Again, I'm working on this).
• I will always be alone in my continual quest for fitness. Not true, Handsome works out and I'm slowly making friends who also have this common goal.
• I will never win a competition (...and never go pro). I'm working on this one. I don't have anything positive to say on this one. Yet.
• I will always be smaller than everyone else.. and small girls never get anywhere. Not true. Ava Cowan, Heather Mae French, Melissa Cunningham... Lots of Class A girls are pro... or there wouldn't be a Class A. :)
• I will never get past this plateau and get my body fat down. Also difficult to battle, body fat test tonight will tell the tale. I don't have anything positive to say to this one yet.
• Personal: I will never get married. I realize this seems silly, but in my isolation all I have ever wanted was the ever-lasting relationship: Someone who sees past all of this and loves me anyway.
• Personal: I will always be in debt. Again, not true. I've made very large steps in the last few months and continue to work on it.

I realize these are all very personal. And most of the time I work through them just fine. I live, I work, I train, and I continue. I tend to go through life like these do not exist in me, and it is a battle I need to face head on. But most importantly, I have allowed myself to dream and own those dreams. They are mine.

Using any of these, and continuing to repeat them in your mind will almost always create a self-fulfilling prophecy. The only way you can keep that from happening, is to remove the words that cause you to speak negatively about yourself.

Remove Always and Never from your life. Always and never will only designate your limits and  box in your dreams.