Hardest Post to Write. Ever.

Like everything in my blog lately, I don't know how to say all the things that are in my heart and mind. I'm also really sick, which kind of exacerbates the confusion. :)

Breaking news: I have withdrawn from Night of Champions.

I'm just too sick with pneumonia. I know when to say "When." I realize that I have been looking forward stepping on stage, and I still look forward to that day. There were plenty of reasons why I was being advised by my family and doctor to not continue with Night of Champions... But I needed my own reasons if I was to withdraw. I started this for me, and if I was going to end it... It would be because of my own free will.

I wanted to compete being able to fully enjoy it. I wanted to do it knowing I did everything I could to be there in the healthiest way possible. And that just cannot take place at this time. As I went along, I wondered... do I want to spend all this money to get on stage (hair, makeup, nails, tanning, waxing, etc.) when I can't even feel like I enjoy it? Would that have made it worth it? Just simply completing the task? Just get on stage and pose, knowing my smile wouldn't be as genuine? Would I value that experience?

I started this for me and I cannot feel upset at ending it for me. I spent a good long 8 months bulking, 17 weeks leaning out, and now its time to go back into a bulk phase. And when contest prep comes again, it will be time to lean out again.

It would be really easy for me to let insecurity come in after making this decision. Insecurity and regret are the biggest stumbling blocks after a situation occurs that is out of our control. But,
I do not feel that I am a quitter, because I did not quit and have not lost resolve for the end result of the stage.
I have no reason to feel insecure about my decision because it truly was out of my control.
I have no reason to feel any regret because my time to hit the stage will come.
I have no reason to feel sorry, because I was making this all happen for me. 
I have no reason to feel disappointment, because I am not one. I am extremely proud of my progress.

I have already had a plan in place of my off-season plans and as soon as I am well, I fully intend to jumping straight into that and leaving no room or time for the negative emotions to overwhelm me. More blog posts about that later. :) There is no looking back. Only forward. And here was my last progress pic taken Monday.

I am just a little bloated from being sick... But at least you guys could kinda see what I look like in my new bikini. :)

This will only prove that I need work on my perseverance, which is getting a nice long 6 months to do so. This will begin work on dieting to maintain, and not lose... which is actually a task I have not ever had before. I've been losing weight for almost a 2 solid years!

I really appreciate the kind, solid, motivating, encouraging, uplifting, and memorable words you all have given me over the course of this contest prep. I really appreciate ALL OF YOU! Your words kept me going when I thought I could not inch up one more step on the stair mill! Your encouragement helped me get down the fish I didn't want to eat. And all of your lives inspire me to continue just being the kind of person I'd want to know! I love each and every one of you and the lives you live. Your lives and normalcy inspire me. Finding time to fit it all in within your busy schedules, makes me not feel quite so alone in the world with our mutual love of training, food, yoga, and health. All of you ladies who compete, I admire so much. I appreciate all of your wisdom and words from experience. You all have been completely invaluable in my experience!
Thank you all again!